Bollukus Eventicus
Its times like these I'm really glad Blogger's around................
Well it looks like Ive gone and completely fucked everythin up with Joey. I knew I'd manage it somehow. I just take somethin from nothin and turn it into a big deal for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Just when I was startin to feel really close to her Ive gone and made it all tense and uncomfortable. Why do I do it? Why the fuck cant I just relax? My brain just refuses to stop kickin me in the nuts repeatedly by workin overtime on things that dont even exist. I keep tellin myself that not every little thing that happens or that is said has deep hidden meaning, that sometimes things are just simple and straightforward. But no, I have to go readin things into it when theres not even anythin there to read into.
She means so much to me, more than I think I do to her, and in an ill-advised drunken ramble last night I said something along those lines to her an have now probably completely scared her away. Either that or shes gonna think I'm some fuckin psycho. Shes the most important person to me outside of family and friends Ive ever known and I think she knows that, and I know I'm not that to her. Its fair enough and its somethin I need to accept and be comfortable with but for some reason I just cant help but feel like I dont matter. Maybe I'm being paranoid coz I keep tellin myself just to relax stop makin an issue of it coz it doesnt matter but I just cant get past it. I know I should and I really want to but its so hard. I try not to force things but at the same time I need to know we're goin somewhere. Maybe I'm takin it too seriously too soon, but its not like Ive ever gone past this far with anyone before, Ive never even been this far, let alone gone further. I know she has and thats why I know she doesnt see things the same way I do coz if this fucks up it'll devastate me but she'll get past it knowin shes been in worse places before.
On a slight sidenote can I please say a huge FUCK OFF to anyone who reads this blog who I havent specifically given the link to? Youve now seen probably the most in-depth and personal post Ive ever put down so do me a favour and stop. You know who you are and Ive got nothin against you personally really I havent but I dont know you nearly well enough to have you readin this stuff about me its way too uncomfortable. Go away.
For now me an Joey are still together an maybe we'll be fine but I cant help but feel, no matter how much I try to control myself, I wont be able to help makin a mess of it, if I havent already. Please help me.
Hmmmm I feel a rant coming on..................
Anyone who's ever paid any great attention to my blog will know I do my best ALL the time not to let things get to me, at least not for any great length anyway. Its kinda easy when your head works the way mine does. I kinda have this thing where I seriously over-analyse things to the point where I see things that arent really there, an I end up makin up problems that havent even occurred yet. Its really unhealthy and its cost me dearly in the past. I know it has. One or two others might too, but I doubt it. Point is the best way really is to grin and bear it. Sure you can be pissed off at people or the world in general, but where does that get you really?
Take some recent troubles of mine into account for example. When I got into trouble in work earlier this year, sure it got to me a bit. But with the analysis I concluded that if the absolute worst did happen, and I got fired, I'd just be skint for a bit til I found a new job. So with that thought I helped myself get through. When I lost my job I could have stressed and panicked about it, but I just figured (and still do btw!) that I'll be a bit poor for a while til I find work again. I got ill, I just figure do somethin about it you'll be fine theres no point lettin it get to you.
But theres things that can get to me anyway. Despite my "bigger picture" theory, theres one thing, or things, that is really somethin that bothers me, and I really struggle to get past it. That thing is people. Every time I have a people problem, it really fucks me up. It gets into my head and it stays there for ages. It must have been March this year it started and I was seriously fucked up in the head for about three months. It was the lowest Ive ever been. I never want to go back there again, but I figure I'm gonna be goin to worse places than that before my time is out. Maybe I'll get lucky. Maybe Ive already had the worst time of my life, and at the age of 20 I'd be pretty damn lucky if that was true. But theres a certain sense of inevitability about it. Probably because I just kinda have a self-pitying outlook on life when it concerns these things, and thats actually probably why its gonna happen. If you expect bad things to happen, then it kinda opens you up to them. I'm not scared of bad things happening to me, I'm scared of it being my fault, but at the same time not being in control of WHY its my fault. It just will be.
Maybe I deserve it, maybe I dont. Who's to say? It hasnt happened yet, and I like to think it wont coz I'm happy right now in a different way than Ive ever been (and no its not a coincidence!!) but I just somehow get the feeling its going to. I just sometimes think I'm not the right kind of person for these things, and I base that theory on my own history. I think of the three people in my life before this who have got into my head over stuff like this. One I now hate, one I dont really see anymore but get on with ok-ish when I do, and one is a good friend now. Maybe not to the point I thought, but still a friend all the same. As luck would have its the last one who played with my head the worst, even though you'd really think it would be the first one.
Regardless, THIS one now could be worse than all three put together. The hard part isnt accepting that its gonna happen. Its trying to think that its not gonna happen. Coz I seriously dont want it to coz I'm not sure I'd handle it all that well.
SUPERB story in The Express today:-
"Manchester City have opted to name a stand after Blues legend Colin Bell after an embarrassing public row. Plans to name the West Stand at the City of Manchester Stadium after the Seventies hero were originally dropped despite Bell's name coming out top in an Internet-based fans poll. City officials feared the poll had been hijacked by rival Manchester United fans anxious to dub part of the ground the "Bell End" - common slang for a part of the male anatomy. But City chairman John Wardle ordered an about- turn after Bell's family expressed their anger at the snub to the former England international. Bell said last night: "This is a great honour." " Great stuff..........................
So a week of medication ALMOST behind me - these damn penicillin tablets are just plain nasty. They taste horrible so every time I take them I nearly choke to death! Plus I havent been able to drink and I cant until Sunday now coz I worked out that even if I do go out on Saturday my last dose will be pretty much RIGHT before I leave the house. Comforting part is (theoretically) I will save money on the beers an stuff but its not gonna be fun watchin people havin a good time an stuff while I stand there sober. I mean its not like I NEED it but you know what its like things just arent as funny as they could be an the night kinda drags coz you dont lose the sense of time. Another fantastic quote though this time from the label from my tablets (well I think its funny maybe those more learned about medical "stuff" wont find it amusing but its damn good stuff if you ask me) -:
"This medicine may cause side effects in certain patients. The side effects commonly seen are nausea, vomiting, stomach pain, heart-burn, diarrhoea, and black hairy tongue." Sincerest apologies to those who have suffered what must be the horrendous experience of 'black hairy tongue', but thats just funny.
:oD
Time for a blog from the Nickster!! Yippee...................
So today I (in this order) got up, ate breakfast (or lunch if you regard 2pm as more of a lunching hour), sorted out a shitload of old videos, watched TV, applied for a job, ate dinner, spoke to Joey, kicked ass on Red Alert 2, watched some more TV then blogged. I also intend to go watch more TV once this is done. Now I know some of you get bogged down with life sometimes but please dont be jealous of my hectic lifestyle - I cant help being the socially active character we all aspire to be! Dont blame yourself - its not your fault. That said, I would like to offer my condolences to everyone who right now feels the urge to punch me in the face. Its a natural human reactive emotion, the aggression youre feeling. It will pass. Just give it time. Then sooner than you know you'll feel right as rain once again. Trust me. :o)
So another rough weekend comes to an end....................
Went to see Kill Bill on Thursday with Joey damn film was feckin cool! Went onto the Kray an it was pretty much a shit night coz it was kinda empty an, well, it was Thursday! Friday was the best though!!!
Started out in
Peet's for a few beers with him,
Kris an
bro. Managed to get seven cans down me before headin off to meet peeps in Le Bateau. I'd already decided by this point that I was gonna get totally hammered, and proceeded to do so immediately. 3 Aftershocks, 2 vodka oranges and 2 Kronenbourgs later I was gettin chucked out by the bouncer guy before half past one. Quite an achievement if you ask me.
Saturday came an I was off alcohol for a week while I complete a course of penicillin for my "severely enflamed left tonsil" coz apparently "considering my history" I need treatment. So no drinkin til next Saturday. Should be ok with it at least til Thursday, but then the weekends gonna be a bit tough. Meant to be goin out Friday. I will, an I'll say to myself just dont drink. Youll be able to have a good time! Yeah right. That was the plan last night too an I caved in 5 minutes flat. But I will be good. I promise. I have to coz there aint no way I wanna be goin thru that throat thing again. Eurgh.
Aaaaaaaaaand he's back!! :o)
My God it's hard work goin through the blogs after this long! Took about an hour to read the eight I read plus I had 33 emails. 33!! I never knew you cared. I probably had more but the account was too full to receive em! One of the mails was a threat from hotmail to close my account coz it was too full. What the hell's gonna happen if I ever go away?!?! Sheesh...............
So yeah the computer's been fucked the power supply broke somehow so the whole thing just went off. Smelled of burny things too for a while (oops) but now we got a new power supply so all's well again. So much has been goin on since though that I didnt know about! So yeah dont think I dont give a shit coz I really do I JUST DIDNT KNOW!! :o(
Belated happy boifdee to
Mr Auto, big ups to
Noodle Boy fella we aint been out in ages!! In fact I aint seen any of you guys (I usually pretty much mean the dudes on my links when I say that) in yonks (is that not just the greatest word ever?!) so someone organize somethin an tell me about it an ask me to come! Also to Ann (who by the way it turns out I'm somehow related to oh MY God) we HAVE to go for a drink or somethin I had no idea any of that shit was goin on!! Seriously I'm not unreachable just coz my computer dies! xx
Not much goin on with me still (yeah I know you'd think somethin interestin would have happened by now wouldnt you?!) havent really been so active on the job front yet I still got some dosh so I'm ok for now but thinkin Christmas might be a struggle. Hmmmmmmm
I suppose theres the Joey thing thats still goin fine its actually now the longest "relationship" (eurgh the 'r' word) I've ever been involved in. I'm scared!!
Hey do I use brackets too much.....................................??
